just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
