I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
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