Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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