i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
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