I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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