Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
So much rum. So many feels.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
