Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize