ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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