wanna go halves on a baby?
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Randomize
