Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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