Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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