Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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