Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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