I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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