Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
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