She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
