You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
