im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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