Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize