Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
