So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
