just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize