Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Randomize
