what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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