Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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