i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
