Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
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