I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
then he tried to convert me to islam
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
