Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Randomize
