You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
