Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
