Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
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