$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
