Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
