I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
