i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
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