My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
