btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
