I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
