I think i peed on brittanys purse
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Randomize
