fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
