i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
