doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I got inside last night via doggy door
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Randomize
