I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
That was an excessively violent trivia night
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
