My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
