you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Randomize