I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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