checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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