Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
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