Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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