So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
