You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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