i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
We had to coat check the pizza.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Randomize
