drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Randomize
