sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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