she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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