i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
