it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
