god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Need sex. Gaining weight.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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