I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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