I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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